Will you blow on my dice?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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