You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..