if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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