I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
