In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
