I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
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Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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