Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
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The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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