Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
