I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.