I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
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He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY