Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
