didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
