The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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