There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
