I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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