I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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