Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
