I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
