You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
