i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
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all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
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If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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