New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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