apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
did i just pee glitter
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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