Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
