I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
