Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
