I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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