don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!