I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We left the knife in your bed.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.