i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.