Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
