Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
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Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
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LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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