Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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