shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
