Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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