she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
