I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
