You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
