is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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