My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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