hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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