If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
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We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
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if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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