I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
