he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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