Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
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My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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