Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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