I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This house was built for laser tag.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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