Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.