Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.