Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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