DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
