She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
