you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
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It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
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I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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