Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
